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Planning a funeral or memorial service is never easy, but after the loss of a loved one it is unavoidable. Naturally, during such a difficult time, making mistakes is a fairly common occurrence. In this post, we’ve come up with three common memorial planning mistakes you should avoid making. These apply whether you’re preplanning a service for yourself or after the loss of a loved one.

1. Not Exploring Funeral Providers

The National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA)’s latest survey explores why this is a common mistake. Interestingly, the four primary reasons respondents selected a funeral home include experience at the home. Basically, they already knew the funeral director; the location; and its reputation.

Take the time to compare funeral providers in your area. It could save you money and help you locate “the best” funeral home, crematory or cemetery for your needs. Burial and cremation expenses can vary quite a bit depending on where you go. Often, you will receive the same products/services.

2. Not Asking Questions

Obviously, after the loss of a loved one, it’s hard to focus on anything other than your grief. Unfortunately, many people must plan the Jewish funeral or cremation service, which can involve making a lot of decisions. Of course, grieving can compel you to make quick decisions without exploring all of your options. Whether you’re planning a funeral in advance or after a loss, you should ask every question you have about the service.

Good funeral homes provide a wide range of resources to walk you through each step of planning a service for your loved one. In addition, they’ll answer all of your questions and never make you feel pressured as you make your arrangements, or steer you toward anything that you don’t want. Also, they’ll take the time to understand the type of service you need and explain the various product and service options available to help you arrange a meaningful, personalized service.

If you’re making arrangements after the loss of a Jewish loved one, it’s perfectly normal to ask someone you trust to attend the funeral arrangement meeting with you – especially if you think you’re not up to it alone, or want another opinion before you commit to something.

3. Not Telling Anyone

According to the NFDA, 62.5% of consumers feel that it’s important to share funeral wishes with family members, but only 21.4% did so in 2017. Maybe you’ve thought about your funeral in detail, right down to what you’d like to wear and which songs you’d like played. But if you don’t document and share your wishes, who will know?

Some people may just choose burial or cremation or casually mention their desires and think that’s all that’s needed. Grieving family members may not remember what you said you wanted or disagree about what they think you wanted. By documenting your plans with a funeral home – and letting your family know – you eliminate the confusion and take the burden off your family.
 

Conclusion – Fox Memorials

Of course, memorial planning can be an incredibly emotional and painful process. However, at Fox Memorials, we work hard to remove all of the stress and challenges of personalized Jewish family monument creation from the process. For decades, we’ve crafted Long Island’s Jewish community with stunning, one-of-a-kind monument creations that honor their lives and their faith.

In the Jewish tradition, there’s no honor more sacred than helping to bury someone, because it is a favor that cannot be returned. Also, it’s an honor people often avoid: death is frightening, graves are sad, and loss is painful. Of course, Jewish funeral etiquette is slightly different from secular or Christian American customs. In this post, we’ll explore ten things you should know about attending Jewish funerals. 
 

1. Don’t Stay Away

Obviously, it may be tempting to “have a prior commitment” when there’s a death that occurs within our circle of friends. However, it’s a positive thing to attend funerals, even when you have only a vague relationship with the deceased. Of course, the deceased won’t know you’re there, but to the mourners, it’s a comfort to be in the company of their community, especially their friends.

2. Your Presence is Important

Basically, you don’t need to say too much to mourners. In fact, the less said, the better. Obviously, nothing you say is going to heal their pain. What will help most is your presence at the funeral or at shiva. Sincerely express your condolences if you must, but in Jewish tradition, there’s no need to say anything at all unless the mourner initiates the conversation. Mostly, what will help is for you to let them know that they have supportive friends at their side. 

3. Wear Comfortable Shoes

Dress nicely, but wear sensible shoes if you’re going to the graveside. Cemetery grounds are often extremely plushy, often wet and muddy grass. If it will be difficult to walk in those shoes, they’ll be miserable in a cemetery. You don’t want to be trapped in the mud by very expensive (and ruined) stiletto heels.

4. Keep Behavior Respectful

If you find friends there, just remember that this is a funeral: speak quietly. Once the service begins, be quiet. Turn off your cell phone for the service.

5. Listening

There is very little required of the congregation at a funeral. Your job is simply to be present. There will be a few prayers, some psalms, a eulogy, and traditional prayers, El Maleh Rachamim and the Mourner’s Kaddish. Say “amen” along with the congregation, if you wish. The reward for listening is that you’ll learn things about this person that you didn’t know before. You may hear some wonderful stories.

6. Following Directions

The funeral director will give directions before and after the service. Do whatever he or she prompts you to do: park here, sit there, stand, don’t walk there.  Complying with directions is one way to support the mourners and give respect to the dead.

7. Graveside Etiquette

Some funerals move from a chapel to the cemetery, some are held at the monument’s graveside. And, if you don’t know the family well, it’s okay to attend the chapel service, and then skip the graveside service. It’s assumed to be more private. In addition, there will likely be chairs under an awning facing the open grave. Those chairs are for mourners; you do not want to sit in them unless you are a member of the family or disabled.

There will be a few prayers or readings, the casket will lower, and the officiant may assist the family in the ancient custom of shoveling earth into the grave. One or three shovelfuls is typical, and after the family, other attendees may assist. It’s a symbolic way of participating in caring for the body by putting it safely in the earth during burial. Again: follow directions; this is an extremely sensitive time for the family and you don’t want to disrupt the flow of the service.

8. Shiva Customs

There may be an announcement about shiva, the gathering at the home for (traditionally) seven days after the burial. If the family announces specific times, go only at those times. At the shiva house, remember that your presence is what matters. You cannot make their pain go away with words.

Mourners need time and space to mourn, and it is an act of kindness to give them the opportunity to do so. Usually, there’s a short service at the shiva house in the morning and evening. You can linger, but do not overstay: when people start leaving, go. Keep in mind that this is not a party, the mourners are not “entertaining.” Sending or bringing prepared food is a very nice thing to do; when in doubt, send kosher food.

9. Making Donations

Most families will designate a charity to which donations may be made in memory of the dead, and most non-profits are happy to send a card to the mourners telling them about your gift. Like consolation gifts, this is not required, but it is a very nice thing to do. Which brings us to:

10. You Won’t See These:

• Flowers – instead, Jews give donations to a memorial fund. 
• An open casket – We don’t look at a dead person unnecessarily, since they cannot look back at us.
• A fancy casket – Traditionally, Jewish caskets are plain, unfinished wood.
• Talk about the afterlife – Most Jews focus on doing good in this life. We don’t know for sure what happens after death, and we tend not to worry about it much. Some think there is an afterlife, some don’t.

 

Conclusion

Of course, there is much more to learn about Jewish funerals and mourning practice. And at Fox Memorials, helping Long Island’s Jewish community honor their loved ones with magnificent, enduring tributes to their loved ones with monuments is our daily mission. For more information on Fox Memorials or our services, contact us now. 

The ways in which a Jew observes and celebrates Judaism are many. There is a variety of observation levels on Long Island.

At Fox Monuments, we can assist you with every detail. Whether you are Orthodox, Conservative, or Reformed, we have the perfect monument for your loved one. The sages once said that to be a Jew is to be Jewish enough. No matter how you observe, let us help you.
 

What You Need To Know

Whether you are Jewish or not, having lost a loved one or wanting to support those in mourning is a noble act. Surprisingly, it can be tricky if you’re unfamiliar with certain traditions or procedures.
 

1) Important Terms and Phrases

• Alav Hashalom– “Peace be Upon Him/Her” Also written as A”H. This is the Jewish version of saying rest in peace.
• Aninut- “Deep Sorrow”. This refers to a time period. It is the time in which the loved one learned of the death to the burial.
• Baruch Dayan HaEmet- “ Blessed is the True Judge”. Words offered to the grieving immediate relative. These words are expressed traditionally as the relative tears the black piece of fabric they will wear on their clothes during Shiva.
• Keriah– “Tearing”. The immediate family performs this custom.  It is a small garment worn for 30 days after the burial. Siblings and spouses wear the Kriah on the right side whereas children wear it on the left.
• Nihum Avelim- “Comfort the Living”. This is the act of consoling the mourners. This is one of the noblest acts a person can perform. Those who nihum avelim are amongst the those who possess chesed (grace, benevolence, kindness).
• Zikhrono Livrahka– “May Their Memory Be a Blessing” – Also written as z”l. These words are meant to provide comfort. They reassure that the deceased will not be forgotten. The responsibility of carrying on the memory and stories of the one passed loved one now lies on the family and friends. Offered to bring comfort.

 

2) Ways to Honor the Deceased

1. One of the most impactful ways to honor a deceased Jew is to ensure they receive a proper Jewish burial.
2. Ensure that a Minyan is present at the burial services.
3. Give tzedakah in honor of the deceased. Undoubtedly is a continuation of honor towards them.
4. Visit the gravesite. Place a stone or pebble on the grave marker. Thus this shows loved ones that someone was there to honor the deceased.
5. Upkeep of the gravesite. Make sure that the burial plot doesn’t become overrun with weeds.
6. Name a new baby in honor of the deceased. The baby’s name can start with the first letter of the deceased’s name. The Hebrew name given to the baby may also reflect the deceased.

 

3) Differences in Ritual

There are three different observation levels in Judaism. There is reform, conservative and orthodox. Depending on where you are in the country or the world, there are different sects of Judaism within those denominations as well. Jewish people are free to observe in a way that serves them. There are a variety of different congregations, each honoring traditions and Halacha (Jewish Law) in their own ways.

Reform Judaism is the most recent denomination to come about. Their practices and observation will show this. They are less observant of Halacha than other sects. Orthodox Judaism observes Halacha strictly. Comparatively, conservative Jews are in between.
 

4) The Casket

Known as the Aron in Hebrew. There are no fancy caskets or casket shopping in Judaism. A traditional Jewish casket must meet certain criteria per Halacha. Pure pine wood is used to make the box. The casket has no metal on it. Some caskets may even have holes drilled in the bottom. This is to help aid in decomposition and allow the body to return to the earth.  Reformed Jews may not follow Halacha strictly. This doesn’t mean that the cemetery doesn’t have certain requirements for the Aron.
 

5) Covering Mirrors During Shiva

If you’ve ever paid a Shiva call, there may have been things in the home that wasn’t very familiar to you. There were no flowers. Instead, there were massive amounts of food and sweets being delivered. Lastly, all of the mirrors were covered. Death represents the literal juxtaposition between man and God. Humans are not invincible. Along with humanly traits comes ego. When looking in a mirror, the ego is very present. In order to take all the focus off of self, the mirrors are covered. In this way, the mourner is able to be present at the moment. All the focus is on the deceased.
 

We Can Help Navigate the Unknown

At Fox, we take the time to aid you in every decision. If you’re looking for the best place to get your Jewish monument on Long Island, look no further. From start to finish, our staff is with you to lend a listening ear and a compassionate suggestion. Whether picking the Hebrew inscription or setting the stone, let Fox monuments help you.

When a friend, co-worker, neighbor or family suffers a loss, we want to help. This is a natural response, the urge to help in any way we can. Our hearts break for them. So, we want to contribute to making their situation a little easier, giving them strength and support. Of course, most of our brains jump directly to sending them some sort of gift. Usually, neighbors make dishes in astonishing quantities. This way, the grieving family doesn’t have to worry about food throughout their mourning. 

However, if you know a family in mourning and they’re of the Jewish faith, you should take a look at a few things, first. Judaism is an ancient and globally-practiced religion with many specific customs and points of view on any topic you could imagine. But the subject of death is considerably complex. Simply put, certain gifts that we naturally assume are a good idea to send could be inappropriate at a Jewish memorial service. 

That’s why this post is all about the kind of gifts that you should and should not send to a Jewish family in mourning.

 

No Flowers 

Yes, that’s correct. Since we take the presence of flowers for granted at wakes and funerals, few (if any) of us question if we should send them to Jewish families. Usually, flowers have no place at Jewish funerals, burials, Unveiling Ceremony or grieving process (Stages of Mourning). They won’t place them on or near a grave, and many view flowers arriving at their home almost as an insult to their loved one. In fact, many Jews consider them to be disruptive to the mourning process and therefore: counterproductive. Jewish funeral etiquette condemns them, so it’s best not to send them. 

Since flowers are usually bright, colorful and appear celebratory, they come across as inappropriately festive. Also, since flowers are such temporary  elements, they’re considered in poor taste. Jews place stones on graves for a reason – their resolve and permanent strength reminds mourners of their loved one’s life. 

Send a Care Package Instead 

For Jewish families, care packages make a fantastic alternative to flowers. Usually, the best time to send them is when the family sits Shiva. 

Of course, Shiva baskets may contain just about any food item. However, most of them contain some variation of pastries, fruit, nuts, coffee/tea, candies, fine chocolates and more. 

In addition, Shiva platters will be welcome, as well. Arrangements of meat, fish, condiments, cheese, salads and sides will give the family something to help make the mourning process a little easier. 

If you want to be extra generous, some arrange complete catering services for families sitting Shiva. However, this will likely require some extensive arrangements in advance. 

 

Conclusion

The term “Tzedakah” means “righteous giving” in Hebrew. Kindness, compassion and generosity are integral to Judaism and define its core values beautifully. At Fox Monuments, we’re proud to serve as an institution that gives grieving Jewish families monuments befitting their loved ones and faith. For decades, our service to Long Island’s Jewish community provides them with the high-quality monuments they love and the gorgeous artistry that celebrates faith and legacy together.

 

Why Pre-Order a Jewish Family Monument?

For many families, resting close to loved ones is significant. This arrangement offers families the opportunity to journey into the afterlife together, and rest eternally with each other.

Convenient Visitation

Ordering a Jewish family monument offers family members and friends convenient visitation. Instead of visiting several sites or cemeteries, families can have one reflective experience while paying respects.

Religious Reasons

Jewish scripture emphasizes the importance of family, especially during the difficult time of mourning. The entire grieving, burial, and shiva process relies on the support and care of family members. While not a requirement, Jews traditionally rest among family. Purchasing a Jewish family monument allows people to rest together eternally.

 

Types of Jewish Family Monuments

Depending on the size of the family, there are several different types of Jewish family monuments available. Our Jewish monument artists can create unique and customized headstones, regardless of the complexity’s request.

Family Headstone

Larger headstones can be placed in a burial plot to indicate the place of several members of a family. These larger Jewish memorials are easier to notice as people walk through the cemetery.

Often, family headstones are accompanied by individual footstones. These footstones, or footmarkers, generally list individual details like name, dates, and more.

Double Headstone

Double headstones are a more common option than family headstones, as they are for couples. This burial is a testament to the love and joyous occasions shared through life. Double headstones are often a more economical choice than individual upright memorials, too.

Being buried with a bashert ensures a shared eternal resting place.

How do Family Monuments Work?

While some family monuments are designed to feature minimal details, like the last name, this is not always the case. Others can have detailed inscriptions for each member of the family. Additional details can be easily added later on, without the monument being removed, by a monument artist.

As we all know, a loved one’s death usually leaves us with an extensive list of responsibilities to attend to. Often, the number of tasks can feel insurmountable and overwhelming. At Fox Monuments, we understand how difficult this particular moment is. Therefore, we do all in our power to make the process of acquiring a Jewish monument stress-free, painless and even rewarding. Our multi-decade work with Long Island’s Jewish community proves our enduring respect for the Jewish faith. Over the years, our craftsmen have produced countless breathtaking Jewish monuments. We work closely with families to craft headstones with inscriptions that symbolize legacies, faith and love.

Of course, one of the fundamental aspects of losing a loved one is writing an obituary for the deceased. Amidst the grief, pressure and countless obligations, it can be easy to overlook or compromise. However, this is truthfully one of the variables in this process that deserves serious attention, focus and conscious thought. The obituary is your opportunity to inform the community, friends and family of their passing, explain what happened, share service details and honor their memory. You can have the funeral home post the obituary on their website, share it on social media platforms and  anywhere else it might be relevant. 

In this post, we’ll discuss the obituary, the writing process, list tips on how you can enhance it and what makes it so important. 

 

1. Look for Examples that You Like

Of course, for such an important document, we want to include absolutely everything that made them incredible and omit nothing at all. However, it’s definitely best to alleviate some of that pressure from your shoulders. It’s great that you want to do right by them. But it’s impossible to artfully describe absolutely every moment of their lives and every facet of their character in one brief obituary. 

A smart way to get some inspiration or guidance is to read examples of other obituaries. You can figure out how to refine your tone, see what they acknowledge and get a general sense of similarities between several different obituaries. Browse the funeral home’s website, newspapers or ask any relevant professionals for notable examples you should emulate.   

This is the best way to begin the process swiftly and with a sense of confidence. 

2. Make A List of Elements to Include

Of course, the obituary can consist of whatever you like. But there are obviously certain details that you’ll consider of tremendous importance and others you can afford to omit. Therefore, you should keep a list of anything that may come to mind spontaneously and when you least expect it. 

Also, you can ask any professionals to give you a list of the traditional things that go into obituaries. Keeping a record of these elements will help you feel a lot more confident in the final draft before you post it.

                 

3. Monitor The Length 

Again: we know that you want to honor the person you lost with this obituary. However, a colossal narrative is definitely not an ideal obituary. Basically, the central purpose is to be a brief summary of somebody’s life. Also, don’t forget that anything you put in a newspaper will have a price based on length. 

If you want to honor them with an extensive, written celebration of their life and legacy, you can save it for their eulogy. Then you can deliver it to friends and family at the burial service. Ultimately, when composing the obituary, the relevant details and a concise amount of personal comments will be perfectly sufficient. 

  

Conclusion

Our mission is to help you honor your loved ones in every way possible. Of course, our primary focus is on crafting a one-of-a-kind monument that is the perfect, enduring celebration of their life. In addition, our commitment to providing you with strength and support is an essential part of our mission, as well. We know what a difficult time this is for all who must endure it. Therefore, we’ll continue working on your behalf to alleviate some of the stress, difficulty and pain and deliver a Jewish monument worthy of your loved one.