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Fox Monuments, being a provider of Jewish memorials and headstones, naturally explores Jewish customs in our posts. Judaism is rich with history and cultural significance. Jewish practices concerning death and mourning are varied and unique. And Fox Monuments has paid tribute to Long Island’s Jewish community for decades.

However, many non-Jewish mourners can often feel perplexed by the traditions of Jewish memorials. Naturally, they can sometimes be intimidating to navigate when you’re not sure how to proceed.

Below, we’ve posted a guide to sitting Shiva for non-Jewish mourners. If a Jewish friend or family member has passed away and you wish to pay respects, this can be very helpful information.

1. What is Sitting Shiva?

Shiva is a practice of Jewish mourning that lasts for seven days. It begins on the day of a Jewish funeral or burial. However, these days, most Shivas tend to last about three days.

Essentially, this is a structured mourning period. It allows the bereaved family a designated time and space to receive fellow mourners and process their grief. It is a way to help the bereaved move through the stages of mourning. Usually, Shiva is announced at the funeral service.

2. Customs, Ritual & Protocol

Shiva takes place within the home of the spouse, parent, sibling or husband of the deceased. And, while Shiva is a Jewish event, non-Jews are welcome to attend. During Shiva, the community will visit the grieving family to pay their respects.

Basically, prior to actually visiting the home, it’s customary to make a call. Essentially, the purpose of this call is to remind the family that they’re not alone. During this call, it’s important for you to listen, be compassionate and supportive. Clearly, this is an obvious instinct for anyone consoling a bereaved friend or family member.

First, when you arrive at the home sitting Shiva, you’re encouraged to walk right in. During the Shiva period, the family’s home is open to all who are willing to pay their respects. Essentially, everyone is welcome.

As the visitor, your purpose is to honor the grief of the bereaved. In other words, you’re encouraged to play a role of unconditional support and to be a comforting presence. Many religions or cultures encourage mourners to hide their grief. However, Jewish culture is unique in that it promotes the open sharing of communal grief. Shiva is a crucial aspect of this shared mourning.

3. The Shiva Policies

There are certain rituals, practices and policies to adhere to during Shiva. Naturally, this may vary depending on the family in question. Nonetheless, it’s best to be aware of the general Shiva policies when visiting a home.

Many non-Jews aren’t aware that discussing the manner of death is highly inadvisable. Basically, this is universally discouraged. Don’t bring up how the person died, unless the family wishes to discuss it voluntarily.

Most Shiva homes will place a guest book in a communal area for guest to sign. It’s considered polite for all visitors to sign this book. Essentially, you want to leave notes of support and consolation for the bereaved. Keep an eye out for this book and be sure to sign it.

Accordingly, it’s important to not have solid expectations for the atmosphere of the Shiva. Every Shiva feels different. In many cases, whether it’s a family member’s first or seventh Shiva, each one can feel like the first. Remember: your purpose is to be a shoulder to cry on and to console.

Conclusion

At Fox Monuments, we hold Jewish customs and practices in the highest respect. We take enormous pride in helping the Jewish community create fitting memorials to pay tribute to their loved ones.

The rabbi plays a critical role in the Jewish mourning process, as a key point of guidance and wisdom for the family. Essentially, rabbis are the keepers of the Jewish faith. Their importance isn’t simple reserved for providing solace after death.

Throughout the tradition of Judaism, rabbis have served by encouraging people to be faithful to themselves and their religion. People need advice from an esteemed religious figure, especially after the death of a loved one. The importance of a rabbi begins long before death, and ends after burial with the Jewish headstone. In this post, we’ll discuss the tasks and significance of a rabbi after an individual’s death, and throughout the grieving process.
 

Before Death

In the Jewish faith, there are several prayers in place for life’s specific moments and milestones. One of these is right before a loved one’s death. After informing a rabbi of someone’s failing health, the rabbi will generally come to provide advice. Essentially, they’ll experience the positive effects of the rabbi’s presence before selecting a Jewish headstone.

This is not solely for the dying individual, but also for their family members, who are obviously experiencing a range of mixed emotions. This meeting relieves the dying person of any unresolved grievances, so that they may pass on peacefully.

Additionally, it’s traditional for the rabbi to lead the dying individual in the Vidui. This confessional prayer allows them to express regret for all of their sins, prior to entering the afterlife.
 

After Death

Traditionally, the rabbi leads those assembled in the “True Judge” prayer. During this prayer, the family aims to help their loved one transition into the afterlife. This prayer is one of the most meaningful, especially before the Jewish headstone’s placement. However, some choose to perform this particular prayer at the funeral instead.

Another principle that’s prominent within Jewish burial is that of the protector. Shemira, which is Hebrew for guarding, requires friends to maintain a steady watch over the body. They must maintain this observation from the time of death through the burial, reciting psalms and other important Jewish readings. In doing so, they can ensure that the body is untainted and not disturbed. Non-family members generally compose the shomer. When the family cannot find enough shomers, the rabbi will make arrangements.

Jewish Funeral Services

The rabbi’s role in the Jewish funeral tends to vary. This depends on the specific circle, as general funeral customs tend to do. While not explicitly mandated by Jewish law or scripture, the rabbi generally officiates at the Jewish funeral. Interestingly, flowers are inappropriate at Jewish funerals. Before the service formally begins, the rabbi usually leads the family in the rending of the garments. This age-old tradition, historically called Keriah, works on several levels. First, it gives family members a physical outlet through which to express their grief. Second, it signifies the destruction of one’s heart. Finally, it gives family members a way to express their pain.

After gathering information from family members and friends, the rabbi gives a eulogy. In this passage, the rabbi generally delivers insight into the character of the deceased. Occasionally, the rabbi will also ask family members to participate, or deliver a separate story. Through delivering this eulogy, the rabbi seeks to impart the same sort of information that a Jewish headstone might, with various symbols and an epitaph.

Burial

Once the funeral is over, the family, mourners and rabbi relocate to the burial site. Here, the rabbi again leads the group in prayer. The Mourner’s Kaddish, which is a way to offer praise and gratitude to God, is important throughout the grieving process. The rabbi generally leads this process. Once this ceremony has concluded, the casket goes into the ground, beneath the Jewish headstone. Family members generally participate through the symbolic gesture of throwing dirt into the grave.
 

After the Burial

Following a Jewish Burial, the rabbi’s involvement tends to be significantly reduced. This is because the family unites in support of each other, and in remembrance of the deceased individual. The Shiva, generally hosted in either the home of the deceased or a close relative, allows family members to process this grief.
 

Monument Unveiling Ceremony

During the Yahrzeit, or one year after a loved one’s passing, the family participates in the monument unveiling process, or the “unveiling ceremony.” This tradition stems from a time when elaborate headstones were common, and others came to respect the hard work of masons and craftsmen. The rabbi again joins the family and delivers prayers from the book of Psalms. Additionally, the rabbi may deliver another eulogy in commemoration of the deceased individual.

Jewish Headstones – From Fox Monuments Long Island

At Fox Monuments, our goal is to streamline the monument purchasing process for all families in mourning. Our staff will guide you through each step, so that you can find the perfect solution for your loved one. Contact us to begin the Jewish headstone purchasing process.

This post has been updated from its original publication date of May 21st, 2018. It has been edited for consistency and updated information on our services. 

Developing meaningful memorial customs is a natural step in overcoming grief after the death of a loved one. Among those who attend Jewish memorial services, it’s common knowledge that tearing garments is an important tradition. For years, rending the clothes was a physical representation of grief. Like unveiling Jewish monuments, it offers a way to mourn. Read on to learn more about this custom and the role it plays in Jewish mourning.

What Are the Origins of This Custom?

Jewish headstones used to be constructed by hand, which made the unveiling process more significant. The exact origin of this custom is unknown. However, there are several instances of this practice in ancient texts. For example, Jacob tore his clothing after noticing that Joseph’s multicolored coat had blood on it. After hearing about the death of King Saul, David ripped his clothing. FInally, Job tore his overcoat in many instances of grief.

Today, Jewish people carry on this custom. In fact, it may be as significant as designing Jewish monuments.

Why do Jewish People Rend Clothes?

In Jewish culture, rending the clothes is an outlet through which to express grief. Just as the Jewish monument helps the family to remember the deceased, rending the clothes helps the family to mourn. In a way, it allows people to concentrate destructive tendencies, without causing any physical or emotional consequences.

Rending the clothes also works on a somewhat symbolic level. In a way, it represents the destruction of one’s heart, as a result of this loss. In fact, this might have evolved from a Pagan tradition, where mourners would tear their flesh or hair. This would symbolize that the loss caused them great pain, and also destroyed a part of them.

Less common is the Talmud interpretation of rending the clothes. This rabbi-written text presents the argument that rending the clothes allows family members to expose their heart. Because children should always love their mother and father, exposing the heart demonstrates that they can no longer perform this duty in the same manner. Just as visiting Jewish monuments allows family members to remember those who have passed, rending the clothes allows for mourning.

Who Is Required to Rend Clothing?

Rending the clothing is considered to be a display of deep love, and consequently, sadness. So, generally only those who are extremely close to the deceased person rend their clothes. This includes children, parents, siblings, and the spouse.

There are, however, more guidelines about who may rend the clothing. In order to maintain the significance of the tradition, people who do not understand the significance of the custom do not participate. Most people over the age of 13 are considered mature enough to participate. Minors under this age who do understand this tradition are permitted to participate.

If the son- or daughter-in-law wishes to express grief by cutting the clothing, he or she may.

People who are grieving the loss of a parent traditionally make this tear with their hands, rather than scissors.

When do People Rend Clothing?

Much like visiting Jewish monuments, clothing rending can vary by family tradition. Some people may choose to do this after first learning about the death of the deceased. Others will do it at the burial site, before internment. Most traditionally, though, this takes place at the funeral home.

Standing during this process demonstrates strength during a trial.

People generally rend the garment they are wearing over other clothes– be it a jacket, vest, or something else.

Exemptions from Rending the Clothing

There are several exceptions to the general rule of rending the clothing. First, people who are observing the Sabbath are exempt from rending the clothing. However, they may do so after nightfall.

Those who are mentally incapable of understanding the gravity of the situation are not required to rend the clothing.

Brides and grooms, who are not expected to suspend their joy for any reason, are not required to participate in this custom.

Finally, those who are physically incapable of this act may receive assistance from another family member.

Jewish Monuments from Fox Monuments

At Fox Monuments, we appreciate the importance of Jewish memorial traditions. Our goal is to help all families experiencing a loss through the burial process quickly and easily. We can provide beautiful and meaningful Jewish monuments that will help you to remember your loved ones.

Jewish funeral etiquette concerns the practice of comforting friends and family during the memorial. But did you know that there’s also specific etiquette within a cemetery? This etiquette outlines the expected behavior within graveyards.

Judaism is a religion with deep historical roots. As a result, there are many specific customs and rituals when it comes to death.

Kalut Rosh (“Levity”)

A cemetery is considered a holy place in Judaism. In fact, it’s as sacred as a temple. Our conduct must be proper and dignified. Essentially, we must be as respectful as possible.

Kalut rosh means the “spirit of levity.” Basically, it’s unruly behavior. The “spirit of levity” is strictly prohibited. And it’s not just forbidden at a grave. It’s forbidden throughout the cemetery.

Those in a cemetery cannot eat or drink. It’s not allowed at the unveiling ceremony, either. This is considered of the highest disrespect. Eating or drinking violates the deceased’s honor.

Naturally, those who enter cemeteries are expected to dress properly. It’s viewed as disrespectful to wear casual, everyday clothing.

Sitting or stepping on a gravestone is also kalut rosh. It is not forbidden to take a seat inside a cemetery. However, it is insulting to sit or step on a gravestone.

Any flowers that grow within a cemetery are to be left there. Picking flowers from a cemetery is forbidden.

Lo’eg Larash (“Slighting of the Dead”)

The “slighting of the dead” describes doing things the dead once enjoyed. In addition, specific religious rituals are included.

Reciting the Psalms or conducting formal services is considered insulting. Another slight to the dead is bringing a Torah into a cemetery.

Essentially, forbidding lo’eg larash discourages anyone from enjoyable activities inside a cemetery.

Memorial Gifts

Not all cemetery etiquette describes forbidden behavior. In fact, gifts are encouraged after the burial. Those who wish to honor the dead may do so. Everyone is encouraged to give in a spirit of charity and generosity.

Anyone may bring a token of their esteem within a cemetery. A selfless, holy gesture is bringing an article of sacred text.

Another ancient Jewish tradition is making a donation after death. It’s viewed as a tribute to the deceased. Donations are usually made during shiva. However, they can be made at any point in the name of the deceased.

Conclusion

At Fox Monuments, we take pride in crafting monuments that honor the lives of Long Islanders. Judaism is rich with culture and history. Therefore, we create monuments that befit the lives of Jewish men and women.

Fox Monuments has served Long Island’s Jewish community for years. Mostly, we strive to help ease the stress and confusion that comes with the loss of a loved one. We aim to honor your loved one with a beautiful Jewish monument. In addition, we try to honor the rich history of Judaism in the process.