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Losing a loved one is devastating. At Fox Monuments, we know just how profound a loss it can be. Losing friends or family members is always incredibly painful and it’s usually the worst time in someone’s life. Obviously, we all know how difficult this kind of loss can be. That’s why when a friend loses a loved one, we want to do everything we can to support them. However, many of us simply don’t know what to say or do.

It can often be difficult trying to find the right thing to say or do to give our friends the condolences and support we feel they deserve. Unfortunately, sometimes words and gestures that come from a genuine desire to help can do unintended damage. Often, they can backfire and just exacerbate the pain of a loss. In this post, we’ll discuss some tactful and supportive etiquette that can help a friend through their grief. Keep reading to find out more.
 

What You Should Do or Say

First and foremost, don’t be afraid to express your condolences or give them a hug. Often, we’re afraid to remind them of their loss. However, the odds are they haven’t exactly forgotten about it. No need for anything over the top, but do or say something. But by reminding them that you care, you’ll be doing a great deal to help them.

Next, be sure to listen, listen, listen. Once you express your sympathy, be an observer. If they don’t want to talk about it anymore, they’ll let you now. Remember: let them move things in the direction they decide. Don’t press them to keep discussing a topic that’s obviously very painful.

It can be an enormous help to get support from somebody who recently went through a similar experience. Additionally, this is much better than simply leaving it at: “I know how you feel.” If they’ve lost a spouse, it can be very helpful for them to see how someone else is dealing with a similar loss. However, never do this without asking them first if they’d find it helpful.

Keep in mind that small gestures can be a huge help. Not every attempt to help has to be grand. Try the occasional text message, phone call or email, maybe bring food or flowers over every once in a while. This series of small gestures can have a massive and profound collective impact.
 

What You Shouldn’t Do or Say

Without a doubt, you should never diminish the loss. While you might feel extreme discomfort at seeing someone you love in pain, minimizing the loss never helps. However, this doesn’t mean you should avoid focusing on the positive impact of a person’s life. Don’t focus only on past events, though – this can often make the pain worse.

On the flip side of that, it’s equally important to never overdramatize the loss. Statements like “I don’t know how you’ll ever live without them” serve absolutely no purpose. In addition, they negate the truth. Ultimately, they will have to find their way without them.

Remember to ask, don’t tell. Whenever you see them, ask them how it’s going, instead of making observations like “you look amazing” or “you look like you’re having a hard time.” Those are all subjective statements that can often make them feel conflicted. They may not feel that way, or may have no idea of how they feel and might begin questioning their ability to grieve “the right way.” Anyway, there’s no rigid itinerary for grief. Try not to make them feel like they’re going too quickly or too slowly.
 

Fox Monuments of Long Island

At Fox Monuments, we’ve served Long Island’s Jewish community throughout times of grief for years. We know how painful and disorienting it can be, and strive to provide a service that greatly eases the burden. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve, but there are definitely advisable ways to console and support our friends.

For more information on Fox Monuments or our services, contact us today.

Fox Monuments, being a provider of Jewish memorials and headstones, naturally explores Jewish customs in our posts. Judaism is rich with history and cultural significance. Jewish practices concerning death and mourning are varied and unique. And Fox Monuments has paid tribute to Long Island’s Jewish community for decades.

However, many non-Jewish mourners can often feel perplexed by the traditions of Jewish memorials. Naturally, they can sometimes be intimidating to navigate when you’re not sure how to proceed.

Below, we’ve posted a guide to sitting Shiva for non-Jewish mourners. If a Jewish friend or family member has passed away and you wish to pay respects, this can be very helpful information.

1. What is Sitting Shiva?

Shiva is a practice of Jewish mourning that lasts for seven days. It begins on the day of a Jewish funeral or burial. However, these days, most Shivas tend to last about three days.

Essentially, this is a structured mourning period. It allows the bereaved family a designated time and space to receive fellow mourners and process their grief. It is a way to help the bereaved move through the stages of mourning. Usually, Shiva is announced at the funeral service.

2. Customs, Ritual & Protocol

Shiva takes place within the home of the spouse, parent, sibling or husband of the deceased. And, while Shiva is a Jewish event, non-Jews are welcome to attend. During Shiva, the community will visit the grieving family to pay their respects.

Basically, prior to actually visiting the home, it’s customary to make a call. Essentially, the purpose of this call is to remind the family that they’re not alone. During this call, it’s important for you to listen, be compassionate and supportive. Clearly, this is an obvious instinct for anyone consoling a bereaved friend or family member.

First, when you arrive at the home sitting Shiva, you’re encouraged to walk right in. During the Shiva period, the family’s home is open to all who are willing to pay their respects. Essentially, everyone is welcome.

As the visitor, your purpose is to honor the grief of the bereaved. In other words, you’re encouraged to play a role of unconditional support and to be a comforting presence. Many religions or cultures encourage mourners to hide their grief. However, Jewish culture is unique in that it promotes the open sharing of communal grief. Shiva is a crucial aspect of this shared mourning.

3. The Shiva Policies

There are certain rituals, practices and policies to adhere to during Shiva. Naturally, this may vary depending on the family in question. Nonetheless, it’s best to be aware of the general Shiva policies when visiting a home.

Many non-Jews aren’t aware that discussing the manner of death is highly inadvisable. Basically, this is universally discouraged. Don’t bring up how the person died, unless the family wishes to discuss it voluntarily.

Most Shiva homes will place a guest book in a communal area for guest to sign. It’s considered polite for all visitors to sign this book. Essentially, you want to leave notes of support and consolation for the bereaved. Keep an eye out for this book and be sure to sign it.

Accordingly, it’s important to not have solid expectations for the atmosphere of the Shiva. Every Shiva feels different. In many cases, whether it’s a family member’s first or seventh Shiva, each one can feel like the first. Remember: your purpose is to be a shoulder to cry on and to console.

Conclusion

At Fox Monuments, we hold Jewish customs and practices in the highest respect. We take enormous pride in helping the Jewish community create fitting memorials to pay tribute to their loved ones.

The rabbi plays a critical role in the Jewish mourning process, as a key point of guidance and wisdom for the family. Essentially, rabbis are the keepers of the Jewish faith. Their importance isn’t simple reserved for providing solace after death.

Throughout the tradition of Judaism, rabbis have served by encouraging people to be faithful to themselves and their religion. People need advice from an esteemed religious figure, especially after the death of a loved one. The importance of a rabbi begins long before death, and ends after burial with the Jewish headstone. In this post, we’ll discuss the tasks and significance of a rabbi after an individual’s death, and throughout the grieving process.
 

Before Death

In the Jewish faith, there are several prayers in place for life’s specific moments and milestones. One of these is right before a loved one’s death. After informing a rabbi of someone’s failing health, the rabbi will generally come to provide advice. Essentially, they’ll experience the positive effects of the rabbi’s presence before selecting a Jewish headstone.

This is not solely for the dying individual, but also for their family members, who are obviously experiencing a range of mixed emotions. This meeting relieves the dying person of any unresolved grievances, so that they may pass on peacefully.

Additionally, it’s traditional for the rabbi to lead the dying individual in the Vidui. This confessional prayer allows them to express regret for all of their sins, prior to entering the afterlife.
 

After Death

Traditionally, the rabbi leads those assembled in the “True Judge” prayer. During this prayer, the family aims to help their loved one transition into the afterlife. This prayer is one of the most meaningful, especially before the Jewish headstone’s placement. However, some choose to perform this particular prayer at the funeral instead.

Another principle that’s prominent within Jewish burial is that of the protector. Shemira, which is Hebrew for guarding, requires friends to maintain a steady watch over the body. They must maintain this observation from the time of death through the burial, reciting psalms and other important Jewish readings. In doing so, they can ensure that the body is untainted and not disturbed. Non-family members generally compose the shomer. When the family cannot find enough shomers, the rabbi will make arrangements.

Jewish Funeral Services

The rabbi’s role in the Jewish funeral tends to vary. This depends on the specific circle, as general funeral customs tend to do. While not explicitly mandated by Jewish law or scripture, the rabbi generally officiates at the Jewish funeral. Interestingly, flowers are inappropriate at Jewish funerals. Before the service formally begins, the rabbi usually leads the family in the rending of the garments. This age-old tradition, historically called Keriah, works on several levels. First, it gives family members a physical outlet through which to express their grief. Second, it signifies the destruction of one’s heart. Finally, it gives family members a way to express their pain.

After gathering information from family members and friends, the rabbi gives a eulogy. In this passage, the rabbi generally delivers insight into the character of the deceased. Occasionally, the rabbi will also ask family members to participate, or deliver a separate story. Through delivering this eulogy, the rabbi seeks to impart the same sort of information that a Jewish headstone might, with various symbols and an epitaph.

Burial

Once the funeral is over, the family, mourners and rabbi relocate to the burial site. Here, the rabbi again leads the group in prayer. The Mourner’s Kaddish, which is a way to offer praise and gratitude to God, is important throughout the grieving process. The rabbi generally leads this process. Once this ceremony has concluded, the casket goes into the ground, beneath the Jewish headstone. Family members generally participate through the symbolic gesture of throwing dirt into the grave.
 

After the Burial

Following a Jewish Burial, the rabbi’s involvement tends to be significantly reduced. This is because the family unites in support of each other, and in remembrance of the deceased individual. The Shiva, generally hosted in either the home of the deceased or a close relative, allows family members to process this grief.
 

Monument Unveiling Ceremony

During the Yahrzeit, or one year after a loved one’s passing, the family participates in the monument unveiling process, or the “unveiling ceremony.” This tradition stems from a time when elaborate headstones were common, and others came to respect the hard work of masons and craftsmen. The rabbi again joins the family and delivers prayers from the book of Psalms. Additionally, the rabbi may deliver another eulogy in commemoration of the deceased individual.

Jewish Headstones – From Fox Monuments Long Island

At Fox Monuments, our goal is to streamline the monument purchasing process for all families in mourning. Our staff will guide you through each step, so that you can find the perfect solution for your loved one. Contact us to begin the Jewish headstone purchasing process.

This post has been updated from its original publication date of May 21st, 2018. It has been edited for consistency and updated information on our services. 

Developing meaningful memorial customs is a natural step in overcoming grief after the death of a loved one. Among those who attend Jewish memorial services, it’s common knowledge that tearing garments is an important tradition. For years, rending the clothes was a physical representation of grief. Like unveiling Jewish monuments, it offers a way to mourn. Read on to learn more about this custom and the role it plays in Jewish mourning.

What Are the Origins of This Custom?

Jewish headstones used to be constructed by hand, which made the unveiling process more significant. The exact origin of this custom is unknown. However, there are several instances of this practice in ancient texts. For example, Jacob tore his clothing after noticing that Joseph’s multicolored coat had blood on it. After hearing about the death of King Saul, David ripped his clothing. FInally, Job tore his overcoat in many instances of grief.

Today, Jewish people carry on this custom. In fact, it may be as significant as designing Jewish monuments.

Why do Jewish People Rend Clothes?

In Jewish culture, rending the clothes is an outlet through which to express grief. Just as the Jewish monument helps the family to remember the deceased, rending the clothes helps the family to mourn. In a way, it allows people to concentrate destructive tendencies, without causing any physical or emotional consequences.

Rending the clothes also works on a somewhat symbolic level. In a way, it represents the destruction of one’s heart, as a result of this loss. In fact, this might have evolved from a Pagan tradition, where mourners would tear their flesh or hair. This would symbolize that the loss caused them great pain, and also destroyed a part of them.

Less common is the Talmud interpretation of rending the clothes. This rabbi-written text presents the argument that rending the clothes allows family members to expose their heart. Because children should always love their mother and father, exposing the heart demonstrates that they can no longer perform this duty in the same manner. Just as visiting Jewish monuments allows family members to remember those who have passed, rending the clothes allows for mourning.

Who Is Required to Rend Clothing?

Rending the clothing is considered to be a display of deep love, and consequently, sadness. So, generally only those who are extremely close to the deceased person rend their clothes. This includes children, parents, siblings, and the spouse.

There are, however, more guidelines about who may rend the clothing. In order to maintain the significance of the tradition, people who do not understand the significance of the custom do not participate. Most people over the age of 13 are considered mature enough to participate. Minors under this age who do understand this tradition are permitted to participate.

If the son- or daughter-in-law wishes to express grief by cutting the clothing, he or she may.

People who are grieving the loss of a parent traditionally make this tear with their hands, rather than scissors.

When do People Rend Clothing?

Much like visiting Jewish monuments, clothing rending can vary by family tradition. Some people may choose to do this after first learning about the death of the deceased. Others will do it at the burial site, before internment. Most traditionally, though, this takes place at the funeral home.

Standing during this process demonstrates strength during a trial.

People generally rend the garment they are wearing over other clothes– be it a jacket, vest, or something else.

Exemptions from Rending the Clothing

There are several exceptions to the general rule of rending the clothing. First, people who are observing the Sabbath are exempt from rending the clothing. However, they may do so after nightfall.

Those who are mentally incapable of understanding the gravity of the situation are not required to rend the clothing.

Brides and grooms, who are not expected to suspend their joy for any reason, are not required to participate in this custom.

Finally, those who are physically incapable of this act may receive assistance from another family member.

Jewish Monuments from Fox Monuments

At Fox Monuments, we appreciate the importance of Jewish memorial traditions. Our goal is to help all families experiencing a loss through the burial process quickly and easily. We can provide beautiful and meaningful Jewish monuments that will help you to remember your loved ones.